This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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