He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
