i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
