You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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