U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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