i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
