I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
