Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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