So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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