i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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