i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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