so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
