You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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