We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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