Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
