I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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