My hand turned me down
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
