I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
