I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
