Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
