dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
