Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
