i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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