i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
