Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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