She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
