Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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