Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
