Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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