so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
