just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
