apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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