This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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