Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
don't judge my taste in strippers
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
