There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
