i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
