i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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