It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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