I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
