I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
