i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
