my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
