Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I could make wine with my vomit
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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