So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
