I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
