her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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