Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
