I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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