life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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