So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize